It's summer, but it's cold

So...

exams are just round the corner and I'mm not really feeling my best right now haha. I guess I'm just one of those that needs to be spoonfed. I've been trying hard to study but I still lose my focus every now and then and having come from a spoonfed culture for the past few years of my education, I'm still trying to figure out which study method works best for me. I just hope it isn't too late.

Anyway, a few things have been keeping me down for the past week.I shall list down what I can.

I found a crack on my guitar. Being my first real guitar that I really liked and having it cost alot doesn't help. Last I checked, it was a 4 inch long crack on the neck caused my the trustrod and the neck bending out of shape due to the dryness. I guess it's kinda my fault as I saw this coming not too long ago but I did not do anything to prevent it, like get a humidifier or something.

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I found an apartment to stay next year once my school's accommodation runs out. Unfortunately, it's not really a nice place to live in. It was a place for 4 people and I had quite good hopes for it when I first heard of the property. But after viewing the place, it seems kinda, poorly maintained. I suppose this is primarily because of the current people there not taking care of the place but there also seems like some other stuff that can't just be cleaned up or repaired. The bathroom has stains all over, the metals parts are all rusty and stuff and not to mention there really isn't a dining area for all of us to eat and hang out as well. Just a kitchen to cook your food lol.

Another reason why I'm a little disappointed in the place is the whole situation that limited our options to just this place. It was a property meant for 4 people, but we originally had 3 people in our group. This meant that we had to either give up the property and look for another place for 3 people or find a fourth person to fill the last spot. Personally, I would have stuck with looking for places with 3 people cause honestly, looking at the current state of the property really put me off. Not to mention, properties with 3 people were in abundance. We just had to look for one which was close to school, which wasn't that hard. Everything else about a 3-person property would sell itself already. Things such as having an inexpensive rent per person and still having a very decent place to live in. A place with a nice kitchen and perhaps even a common area which some properties have, all for very affordable student rates. They are places which I would gladly show to my parents or have visiting friends over for a night or two. But now, with my current place, I can barely do all of these. Eventually, without much time to react and without a second thought, a fourth person was invited to join our group of 3 by one of us and after putting in quite abit of effort to source for a potentially better place for 4 people, we had to fall back to our first option.

I suppose this has been one of the most tiring things during the past 3 weeks. Even now, as I am typing this, I have still not fully settled issues with the property yet. All I have done is paid the holding deposit. I have yet to fill up any documents and sign the contract for the place. All these discussions and house searching has taken quite a bit of my study time away and I don't really like to complain about it as I know it has to be done and someone has to do it. What I don't appreciate however, is when other people don't play their part as well and push stuff to me with the excuse of studying and stuff. Right now, we're still discussing on which rooms everyone would like to take. Personally, when I first talked to the other 2 people in the group, I had agreed to let them choose their rooms first, to sweeten the deal so they would join me and I can stop searching for friends to live with. However, it isn't as simple as it seems. No one wants to compromise and everyone pretty much wants the best for themselves. This is only human it seems, but while I do what I can to solve their issues, I wonder if anyone has asked me what  I really wanted. Or are they just blinded by their own opportunities to make things work the best for them? If only they could see my compromise and at least appreciate the efforts I've put in for them, I would probably be much happier now even though I'm stuck with the worst options. It just seems that everything is going wrong for me. I'm left with all the things I tried to avoid in the first place.

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Recently, I've found out that most of my friends have stuff to do over the summer. Many of them are going travelling to nearby parts of Europe and not surprisingly, I'm not invited to join any of them. It seems that everyone else has their own groups of friends to go to and I'm not part of that. I'm not part of any of the "cool" people who have made lots of plans to go around and stuff. I didn't expect it to be like this. I thought that having a fresh start in life since coming here would've been good but it isn't. Almost everyone else has their own groups of friends before coming there and they just do everything together and I'm not included. I mean, is it so hard to include someone and say, hey, I've got a friend who would like to join? I suppose it is right? I mean, I wouldn't know cause I won't have any one I know to do this to anyway. Apart from just travelling, it seems that many people have found internships over the summer as well. I have been putting in a bit of effort to search and read up and I've spent quite alot of my time on this. I've sent out numerous emails to different research companies, to different professors for referral letters but to no avail. It seems that things just work out really well for other people. Their offers for internships seem to come rather easily, even though I have no idea how much effort they've actually put in to get it. Maybe they do deserve it more than I do in the grand scheme of things as they've put in considerably more effort than I have when it comes to this. What also makes me sad is seeing a position that I've applied for totally ignore my Emails to them but responded to my friend. Even an Email to tell me I didn't make the cut would suffice, but I just got bluntly ignored while they sounded enthusiastic to have my friend work for them. I know I'm supposed to be happy for people and I am happy for him. I know I'm not supposed to be jealous or envious when people get things I can't have, but I don't see how we both can't have the position given to us. Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? Am I an alien? I guess my self esteem has always been rather low so it doesn't put me down anymore..

I don't know what I'm saying or typing. And I don't know why my English standard has dropped so dramatically. I'll probably look back in a few months time and slap myself for writing this horribly. Perhaps this is why no one wants me lol..

Oh well..

Enough said