Ran out of ideas for good post titles

Well so the third academic year has come to an end. A few things I have learned, if anything, is that firstly, you don't always get what you want, even if you've been planning so hard for it, making (in your opinion) all the right decisions and all the right moves but sometimes bad things happen, people say "no" and doors close and you're left with everything crumbling down.

Secondly, I've learnt that personally, being homesick has been more of missing the people I love and care about, more than the location or more than my house. I've learned that home for me is where the people I love reside. I can be in my own house, lying on my own bed, in the apartment I've lived for most of my life, and yet feel homesick and I guess the one thing I can learn from this is how to manage my life better being away from the people I really care about.

I was really prepared for this year to be best year of my life. I had a really nice flat to stay in, amazing housemates and was having loads of fun in general, all the while maintaining my grades for assignments and all. I played a lot of guitar, and a lot of video games and was having a blast. I planned for all the internships I was going to apply for, and prepared my applications way in advance. I really felt like I was on top of everything.

My plan was to stay in the UK, or at least the EU for an internship over the summer where I can have a close watch over my housing issues and on top of that work for those referral letters for grad school applications. I can attend the graduation ceremonies of most of my friends and have a blast with them before some of them return home for good and maybe have a bit of spare time to travel, though I highly doubt the last bit would be possible.

Unfortunately, towards the middle of this year, every internship I had applied for rejected me. In that state of anxiety, I decided that getting an internship was more important that trying to work hard for grades and I focused my time on that. I sent out tens of emails a week, only to get rejected again. I was largely distracted from my studies and was greatly demoralized, as it really did seem like my future was about to collapse on me.

The exams came and went, and it was time to start scouting for projects in my final year. I already knew the projects I wanted, and I spent my time trying to convince those professors that I should be the one chosen for those projects. None of it went well. At this point, I was still applying and getting rejected by a ton of internships.

In the end, I did manage to get two offers. Both of which required me to come back and here I am now. Not really sure what I'm doing with my life anymore. Grades came back and they were complete shit. Almost dropped a degree class. Modules which I thought I did well for came back with garbage results. I'm not mad at the ones which I knew I didn't do well for, just the modules which I thought could help me pull up my average but failed me in the end. Mind you, I'm not referring to those where I thought I would score too but came out of the exam feeling horrible. I expected those to go badly and when they did, I don't really think too much about it and I am alright with those.

In my mind, I made all the right moves. I was under the impression that everything was going smoothly, that everything would be better in the end, even if it looked like it was falling apart and I had to do what I can to salvage it. At this point I don't think if it was all worth it. I know things can be worse but it's just the lingering saltiness, thinking that you have planned it as best as you can and played the right cards, only to be bested by nothing. I was beaten by no one. It was just a bunch of doors that just decided to shut on me and I suppose that's how life is.

I'm still clinging on to that small glimmer of hope, that I would be able to achieve my dreams. If you scroll back far enough, you would know the one I'm referring to and if you scroll back really really far, you would know how long I've been having this dream for. But it seems that right now, it's all falling apart.

Hopefully the next academic year would be better.

Enough said