Thats it..

I'm bleeding from a 4mm deep hole in my ankle... literally.

And it hurts me, not only because its pain but because I might never use my feet again..never stand up and walk again..never do karate anymore..never be able to properly judge my fighting abilities..

And it hurts.. cause I've realised.. I've been used!

I help my friends and what do I get? Suffering! I know, we're not supposed to get anything in return if we help people voluntarily. But I do it cause when I go to heaven, when I shake Jesus' hand, I want to tell him of all the good things that I've done, that he would say "well done Benjamin, my good and faithful servant". But not now..I've seen enough deaths already, on TV in real life, even the chicken on my plate..they lived for something, and its not to feed some hungry human in Macdonalds. I've helped those friends that needed me around. Today, I taught Jackie how to play another song on the guitar so he could buff up the atmosphere in our BB praise & worship sessions. I lent money to those who needed it.. like Rayney and Nevin..whom I've helped many times and when they don't have enough money to pay me back, I tell them that it's OK and they didn't have to pay be back. Guess the critisms I got. "Hey Ben, stop showing off your huge allowance. Showing off doesn't bring you anywhere" Thats what they all say. THATS WHAT EVERYONE SAYS!

When I'm in need of money, some tell me "But Ben, you have an allowance way bigger than us and you're coming to me for money?". Why can't I?

Of course, there's those from my cell group. I haven't been spending much time with them. School activities on saturdays prevent me from doing so. They're nice to me and forget the wrong that I do. They support me and they stand behind me even when I've let them down. I bring this attitude to school and guess what I get - People who ignore me; people who dislike me; people who think I'm some crazy guy that can't control his mouth. AS IF I USE VULGARITIES IN SCHOOL! AS IF I USE VULGARITIES ANYWHERE!

I ONLY HAVE 2 PEOPLE IN SCHOOL THAT I CAN TRUST. AND I HELP THEM WHENEVER I CAN AND IN TURN THEY GIVE ME THEIR TRUST. AND WHAT DO I GET FROM OTHER PEOPLE? THOSE WHOM I USED TO BE ABLE TO TRUST BACK AWAY AND CRITISIZE ME. I GIVE THEM MY SUPPORT AND GUESS WHAT, THEY USE IT AGAINST ME! WHO DO YOU THINK I TALK TO AT NIGHT?! WHO DO YOU THINK I TURN TO WHEN I'M DOWN?! THAT QUIZ A FEW POST EARLIER IS REAL!!! YES, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY BUT IT'S TRUE! I GO TO MY ROOM WHEN I'M SAD. I TALK TO MY REFLECTION WHEN I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. YOU THINK I'M CRAZY?! WOULDN'T YOU DO THE SAME WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME SITUATION?!

YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE I'M SUICIDAL?! MAYBE. BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AGAINST KILLING YOURSELF. I PREFER DYING NATURALLY. SOMETIMES, WHEN I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDN'T BE HERE, I WONDER WHEN THE GROUND IS GONNA OPEN AND SWALLOW ME UP.

I knew I shouldn't have gone to school today. My condition just got worse...way worse. But something pushed me to go..Something deep in my heart..that I had nothing to lose.. that my ankle would be fine..

This is bad..the people whom I trust go with other people instead and I'm left alone. How do I go to sleep these few nights? I cry myself to sleep!

And for you lifeless people who come and read this post thinking: This person just wants attention; Look at him, whining; I think he's trying to get our symphathy uut lets not give it to him, his plans ain't working; so what if he really did all that stupid stuff. GO CLICK ON THE x AT THE TOP RIGHT HAND CORNER OF THIS WINDOW IF YOU'RE USING WINDOWS, THE RED BUTTON AT THE TOP LEFT HAND CORNER FOR MAC AND FOR OTHER OS, JUST GO TO THE BACK OF YOUR COMPUTER AND PULL OUT ANY 7 RANDOM WIRES YOU FIND THERE.

Don't believe that someone would actually be that lifeless and think of all these stuff? Really, I can imagine. That 2 stupid masterminds that lead a battalion of people against me. They don't even support you. They're just with you cause they want to be your friends and by doing so, they submit into your stupid brainwash scheme.

Well, blood's leaking from a 4mm hole..what more can I say?

Enough said..